1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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