people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
