Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
