The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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