He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
