You made me cry and you don't even care
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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