Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
