1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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