Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
