I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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