If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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