Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
