I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
