even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
