the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
