There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
