Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
