First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
