when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
