just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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