if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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