I puked a lego.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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