He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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