How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
