Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
