Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea ive hooked up with like half those guys

(1-440): View more from Ohio

and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag

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(907): View more from Alaska

is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

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(469): View more from Texas

Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

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(917): View more from New York City

There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride

(702): View more from Nevada

Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding

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