We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
