What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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