Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
