i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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