dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
