Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
