I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
