This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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