I'm sorry my penis didn't work
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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