I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
