Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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