someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
