I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
