I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
