and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
