i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
