My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize