You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
