omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
