Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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