Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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