what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm too high and old for this...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
