I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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