My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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