Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I want a musical about memes.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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