she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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