all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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