i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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