I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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