I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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