So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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