I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
