My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
