drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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