If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
