At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
