So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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