1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
