Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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