He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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