k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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