I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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