Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
