Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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