I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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