I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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