I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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